Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Lmfao
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.