“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
not for long
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
If snakes were wide
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15