Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Everyone’s family
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi