When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
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The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
What’s so funny?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here