A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.