I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
🍞🦆
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
pizza
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels