Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?