[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done