Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Love this guy
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy