Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
This guy’s not having it 😆
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.