HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.