Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.