“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth