“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
You Might Also Like
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I’m not wrong
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The glockness monster
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
He’s cranky this morning
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”