My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
No. YOU-buprofen.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here