It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
You Might Also Like
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.