[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.