Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.