“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you