[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
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Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.