Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
You Might Also Like
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..