“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.