When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.