ugh not again
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics