HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
This is me
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!