Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Hit me in the face with a bird