Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
thanks auntie mary
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
No. He’s not coming out to play
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late