My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
#ParentingFacts
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Wait a minute
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.