Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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SF is the wild wild west man
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again