I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.