He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you