My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim