Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
is this meant to deter me
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
🏙👨🏼
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.