Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!