Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him