Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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Worst bar ever.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤