Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
You Might Also Like
I’d love this…lol
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU