Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!