“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
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TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Basketball games are very squeaky.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.