My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.