[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
moms in horror movies
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?