STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣