I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain