If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakfโ
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and Iโve just been swinging em around real fa
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*On death bed*
Me: Iโve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
โAre you busy tomorrow?โ My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information youโre about to give me.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver ๐คฆโโ๏ธ
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn