Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.