Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
So creative 😂
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for