[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Bring back the McRib
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.