pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You Might Also Like
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.