Should I call tech support or pray or what
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I never know how much to tip a cow.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Sticker placement is key.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)