Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”